Ex-Corrie star Sally Lindsay camps it up in Eurobeat.
THE phrase "Royaume-Uni - douze points!" may never again be uttered on live television. But for one glorious moment last night the possibility of Team GB romping home first in the Eurovision was a very real possibility.
The memory of a velour-clad Bucks Fizz clinching
victory in Dublin in the 1981 contest (with the aid of those nifty detachable skirts, of course) is still cherished by many - myself, I must confess, among them.
And it was in the spirit of the classic Eurovision years that Eurobeat - Almost Eurovision took to The Mayflower stage for a week-long whirl of boy bands, boy-girl bands and dementedly frolicking folk troupes.
Taking the form of a fictional Eurovision Song Contest, the interactive extravaganza is hosted by kids' TV reject Sergei (Norman Pace) and former Olympic pole-vaulter Boyka (Sally Lindsay, late of Corrie). With strained bonhomie they usher on ten acts "to fart it out", each as banal and surreal (and very, very funny) as you would expect from Eurovision. Audience members, who are badged up with a "home" country on entering the theatre, then get to text vote for their favourite song.
With political voting thus firmly off the agenda, even the UK - here represented with a sickly pop ballad sung by a cavorting duo spookily reminiscent of 2003's Euro-duds Gemini - stood a chance of victory. ("That's the kind of quality we have come to expect from the UK - year, after year, after year..." enthused Boyka through a rictus grin.)
There was even the traditional interval entertainment, a pull-out-all-the-stops Beijing-style spectacular (we were told) representing the turbulent history of Bosnia-Herzegovena. Translation - some dancing waiters and Boyka dressed as a turnip. Frankly, we would have been disappointed with anything less.
Lindsay and Pace were just the right side of OTT as the gold lame-clad hosts, and it would be a crying shame if at least one of these songs didn't make it into the real song contest. Estonia's, involving some briefcase-carrying businessmen stripping to luminous Lycra underwear, would be a dead cert.
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Best of all - and it just wouldn't be the same without him - even Terry Wogan puts in an appearance (albeit it on a screen).
"But did the UK win?" I hear you ask. Don't be silly - but with your help they might just do tonight.
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